Thursday, January 25, 2007

Bowing to my Inner (Outer) Dork

This is for the literally twos of you who have emailed and requested: Dum dum da dum! My Harry Potter theories.

Voldemort: I feel sure Voldemort will kick the bucket in book seven. My running theory since about book four has been that Neville Longbottom will be the one to roast his rooster, despite Harry as the obvious choice. Lately, I've considered an alternative. Voldemort may die as a result of a mistake he has made (or will make), much in the manner of a Shakespearean tragic flaw (of course, seen here in the villain and not the hero). If Harry does kill Voldemort, it will be in revenge for a recent killing-probably either Hagrid or Ginny.

Dumbledore: "As your official coroner,
I've thoroughly examined Dumbledore.
And he's not only merely dead
He's really most sincerely dead!"
However, Dumbledore will communicate with Harry in the form of advice from his portrait in the Headmaster's office at Hogwarts, via Sirius' two-way mirrors. Also, Fawkes will travel with Harry et. al. and will supply Harry with the sword of Gryffindor (again).

Sirius: He will reappear long enough for Kreacher to poke him in the eye with a stick. Shaggy dog/dirty house-elf wrestling will ensue. No mud, hoses, jello, or KY Jelly will be involved.

Aunt Petunia: She is really a witch who has suppressed that part of her. This rejection of part of her personality is what causes her to live so unhappily as a faux-Muggle.

Filch: He will do magic in some desperate circumstance. Animal bestiality laws in the magical realm will be changed, clearing the path for a marriage with his beloved Ms. Norris. Grossness ensues.

The locket Horcrux is currently held by Dumbledore's brother Aberforth. Mundungus Fletcher stole it from Grimmauld Place and passed it to Aberforth for safekeeping on Dumbledore's orders (though none were aware it was a Horcrux at the time). Goat-loving Aberforth will also benefit from the revised bestiality laws, and he and Filch will create a communist collective (okay! I'm sorry!).

Percy Weasley and Draco Malfoy both are redeemed and return to the sides of good.

Snape wants to be a bad guy, but doesn't have it in him. He is spared by Harry only to be killed by Voldemort. What a miserable dude. He should have stuck with the cushy teaching job and taken advantage of the dental plan.

Deaths: Voldemort, Hagrid, possibly Ginny, Snape, and the Weasley twins OR Bill and Charlie OR Percy and Mr. Weasley.

Survivors: Harry, Ron, Hermione, Neville, Mrs. Weasley, Draco Malfoy

In the end? Good defeats evil. Hooray!

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